What happened to ME?

Where did I go?  What in the world has happened to me?

Feeling a little lost today.  I think it’s because I’ve been looking at old photographs.  I see the ones of my younger self, and remember all  the things I’ve wanted to do and the way I’ve always wanted to be.  I answered one of those silly quizzes today, you know the kind people forward to you through the mail but never answer back? (I’ve really got to stop setting myself up for disappointment like that.)  Anyway, one of the questions had to do with my dreams.  What were my dreams when I was growing up, or something like that.

Well, I always wanted to have a family, be a hairdresser and a writer.  So I have it all, don’t I?  I have achieved my dreams, right?  Or have I?   Or is it slipping through my fingers?

My husband is my family, even if we don’t have children. It breaks my heart to think it will never happen, but it just might not.

I’m still doing hair, but my business seems to have declined.  Is it my appearance?  Do I not look like someone who you’d trust to make you pretty? Is it my attitude?  Am I too lazy?  Do I charge too much?  Is it a fluke? Is it just one of the slow times, and one that’s very inconvenient because I really have some expenses I need to meet?  Am I going to have to quit this self-employed business and work for someone else?  It would be so hard to give up the freedom.  My situation is of my own making.

As far as writing goes, am I really a writer,  or have I let myself quit? All the ideas are there.  I think about my plots and characters all the time.  Has the terror of facing rejection frozen my fiction writing?  I seem to blog okay, most days.  So that’s writing.  But it’s not the kind of writing in my dreams.     So what the heck has me so terrified?  What is wrong with me?

When did I develop such a lack of self-discipline, in so many areas?  Who IS that in the mirror?  Where the hell did my real body go?  Why can’t I motivate myself the way I used to? I used to be able to give myself pep talks and really get after life…but lately, eh.

Mom says she believes I’m depressed.  I wish I could just snap out of it.  SNAP OUT OF IT.  I didn’t think I had anything to be depressed about, but I guess losing MY DAD, two babies, three long-time pets, a salon full of co-workers I thought were my friends,  getting kicked in the teeth by the publishing world, finding out I have a physical problem that makes losing weight all the more difficult, and various other all and sundry in the past few years might have somewhat of an effect on my attitude.  I’ve pursued anti-anxiety meds, and the good news is– I’m not really worried or anxious like I used to be.  Heh.

Maybe I’m not miserable enough to be a writer.  Maybe I just need to get a little more miserable, and a little poorer and then my creativity will kick in.  It seems to have worked for Nora Roberts and J.K. Rowling.   They were both, according to writer mythology, welfare moms before hitting it big.  Then again, they both sat their poor, happy asses down and WROTE too.

I’m just about fed up with this BLAH.  I am going to have to find a new attitude, even if I have to fake it till I make it.

I have to remind myself of these things:

  • Getting to bed at a decent time and actually getting more sleep will make a world of difference.
  • Putting a leash on the Dynamic Duo and walking around the nearby park will do all of us a lot of good.
  • Drink more water, dumbass.
  •  Get up at a decent time and get my act together.  Fix your dang hair and get that make-up on. Clean up those roots while your at it.
  • Get to the salon in good time and get with it. Take your laptop.  Doing some writing there, AWAY from the Internet might actually help.
  •  Let the front desk know you have some openings.  Duh.
  • Don’t eat when you are bored.
  • Don’t eat when you are happy.
  • Don’t eat just because some crackpot on TV made brownies and they look real good. (Exception allowed when fighting PMS.)
  • Think about how good you felt when you used to be more active.
  • Remember– you are only 40.  Life is not over.  You have a lot of life left, so act like it.  You deserve a better quality oflife than you are giving yourself.  Your husband deserves it, too.  QUIT CHEATING YOURSELF.
  • SNAP OUT OF IT.  And make a note to talk to your doctor.  Maybe there’s a better happy pill out there.  Until then–

Well.  I feel better.  At the moment.

4 Comments on “What happened to ME?”

  1. Ms. Karen says:

    First, a big ol’ hug to you.

    I can relate to so much of what you wrote, so you’re not alone. Oh, and “snapping out” of depression? Not as easy as it sounds. I cannot take the medications because if there is the slightest, most remote chance of a dangerous side effect, it WILL happen to me.

    Not only that, those meds kicked my writing desire out the door and down the street. It took a LOT of soul searching to find the root of the problem, and a BUNCH of therapy to work it over and into a manageable lump. Now I recognize the symptoms and depression and I do our ritual dance around my triggers and traps, then it loses interest and goes away again.

    But I like your list, and I believe it will take you a LONG way to achieve your goal.

    Keep at it, keep writing, you’re good at it and I am confident you’ll get where you want to be.

  2. desperatewriter says:

    Oh, Karen, thanks so much for posting! Your kindness is a comfort, it really is!

    Yeah, I often wonder if it’s my meds strangling my writing, but it started declining before I found my magic pills. and really, I do so much better with them…but I’m going to try to be more alert to my triggers too, and learn my own ritual dance! Thanks for that picture, it mad me smile!

  3. groovy says:

    Ya know, blogs are funny things. I read them and I have absolutely no idea if the writer is black or white, old or young, fat or thin, ugly or stunningly beautiful.

    Frankly, in my mind, the people who write the blogs I check frequently (like this one) ARE beautiful and clever and insightful.

  4. desperatewriter says:

    Oh, Groovy, Thanks so much! Big ol’ Texas hug to you, too! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s